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Survival Guide for Holidays - How to Have the Most Fun Possible With your Family!

Does your father act like an attorney, interrogating you as if

you were a defendant on the witness stand? Is your mother-in-law

the master of the subtle put down? Are you the roasted turkey

they carved up for dinner?

You love your family—yet dread the holidays because you know

that, following the usual holiday debacle, the main thing you'll

be thankful for is waving goodbye to Mom and Dad, knowing you

have a year to recuperate.

How do you duck the potshots coming at you about your choice of

friends, lack of a career, and the way you dress, spend money or

raise the kids? How do you avoid the traditional land mines of

religion, politics and sex? How can you be honest with your

relatives and not dig your own grave? What kind of group

activities can you get the group to do that won't lead to World

War III? How can play, fun and spontaneity help you run the

family holiday gauntlet? How do you put on the charm-and not the

pounds-at the dinner table?

Why not change those exhausting holiday dynamics by taking some

helpful tips from Relationship Expert Keith Varnum?

Here are some simple strategies that will not only help you to

survive the traditional family holiday visit-but actually enjoy

it!

PREPARING FOR THE VISIT

The Boy Scout's motto, "Be prepared!" has never been more

helpful than when going to visit the family at the holidays!

Enlist Allies

Form alliances with brothers, sisters and other relatives who

are sympathetic to your plight. Agree to run interference for

each other when criticism comes flying across the dinner table.

Hold mock question and answer sessions with your allies to

practice gracefully fending off the slings and arrows.

Prepare for Cross Examination

Get your answers ready for the questions you know are coming

about sensitive or touchy subjects. Have a ready response for

the inevitable "Do you have a well-paying job?" "When are you

getting married?" and "Are you eating enough?"

Know Who You're Dealing With

Brief yourself and your date/friend on the idiosyncrasies of

your crazy uncle, your uptight aunt, your paranoid father, your

over-protective mother, your bully cousin and the off-the-wall

personal inquiries from the young kids in your family. Realize

that holiday gatherings are a time bomb waiting to go off. A

year's worth of pent up, unresolved tension and miscommunication

show up at the holiday dinner table. Don't become collateral

damage!

Neutralize the Opposition

The best defense is a good offense. Develop questions to ask

that you can come back with to throw off your detractors. Lead

the conversation into constructive, supportive and "safe" realms

by subtly shifting the focus of the dialogue with a quick

response from a "family-friendly" perspective.

Recognize Rivalries

Be on the lookout for subterranean rivalries between brothers,

sisters and other relatives that might rear their ugly heads

during dinner conversations. With lightness and humor, dance

around the landmines of old grievances and competitiveness.

Defuse Hot Buttons

Before the visit, email, write or call your parents with

carefully worded personal background information that will calm

your folks' fears and pet peeves about you and your date or

friend.

Create an Exit Strategy

Warn your family that your stay might be cut short. Come up with

some good, socially acceptable reasons why you have to leave

early. Have several backup exit plans ready to execute on short

notice. Be real about how long you can handle being with your

relatives. It's better to share fun and love with your family

for a few hours-than boredom and hard feelings for a few days.

Set Realistic Goals

Shoot for simply "surviving" the visit, rather than trying to

get everyone to like you and approve of your lifestyle. Better

to leave doors open to future communication than to burn bridges

with the older generations. Some new attitudes and social

customs take the folks a few years of repeated exposure to

become comfortable with. Many parents suffer from Chronic

Cultural Shock Syndrome.

SURVIVING THE VISIT

"Be of good cheer, the end is near!" You only have to dodge the

bullets of family expectations once a year-and you don't have to

stay any longer than you can keep on top of the ruckus. Be light-

hearted, playful and flexible-and enjoy the family circus as

much as you can!

Creative Question Answering

You don't have to answer the question that is being asked!

Subtly shift your answer to their question into a response

concerning a related, but different question-one that you're

willing to answer. For tips on how to answer the question you

prefer, listen carefully to interviews with politicians and

celebrities.

Take the Fifth

If you don't feel capable of safely answering a question, tell

them you're not clear enough on the situation to give them a

response right now. If they don't let you off the hook, develop

a bladder emergency or "accidentally" spill your drink on

yourself. Watch cocktail party scenes in old movies for skillful

hints on how to escape any interrogation in a socially

acceptable way.

Turn the Question Around

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,

simply ask them the same-or similar-question back. Or respond

with a totally different question-especially about a subject

that you know excites them. React in any way that will throw

them off the track. To pull off this tactic, you have to use

subtle skill. Add a dash of playfulness or humor and you'll get

away with it.

Take the Japanese Diplomatic Approach

If you can't wholeheartedly agree with what someone is saying,

you can respond in the spirit of the famous Japanese phrase, "Ah-

So." This diplomatic response translates literally into: "So it

would appear." Without compromising your integrity, you can

respond to almost any relative's narrow-minded statement with: "

I can see how you can see it that way" or "I understand how you

feel."

Get Your Stories Straight

Make sure you and your date/friend are giving everyone the same

information about the same topics. Some relatives have nothing

better to do than compare notes on what's been said.

Be Consistent

"This is my story, and I'm sticking to it." Make sure all the

facts fit what your family knows about the rest of your life.

The "consistency police" are usually on full alert at family

gatherings.

Honesty is the Safest Policy

Eventually, inaccuracies and cover-ups tend to surface over time,

so being truthful-to the degree that you can-will serve you in

the long run. Study the pronouncements of politicians to learn

how to express the truth in the most vague-and least risky or

offensive-way.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Certain words act as trigger mechanisms activating touchy egos,

raw nerves, old wounds and painful memories. Use neutral,

generic words with hypersensitive relatives. Avoid overly

specific or graphic religious, political, racial and sexual

references. With some relatives, the generation gap can be as

wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

Put Yourself in Your Parents' Shoes

In the privacy of your own mind, see if you can relate to what

your parents' perspective might be about a given subject and

adjust your response to allow the possibility of their point of

view-however rigid, shallow or intolerant it might seem to you.

Pick an Agreement

Find something that you can authentically appreciate about every

member of the family, and, if possible, compliment them on that

aspect of their lives.

Take Mental Health Breaks

Take strategic time outs when you feel you're reaching your

limit of being able to cope with family judgement and scrutiny.

Go to the bathroom and splash water on your face. Go outside.

Get a breath of fresh air on the porch or patio. Take a short

walk and let the singing birds remind you that someone's having

a good time today!

Volunteer to Get Lost

Volunteer for errands and duties that will get you out of the

house and out of the line of fire. Disappear into the kitchen to

wash the dishes. Empty the garbage. Go out to pick up something

at the store. Give someone a ride. These chores buy you brownie

points and at the same time give you the freedom and space to

blow off steam from the pressure cooker of family get-togethers.

Use the time to re-group and recharge your batteries.

Play Social Director

Suggest specific activities that allow everyone to happily

interact-however superficial or contrived it might have to be.

Group games, home videos, family album, tree decorating.

Remember, the goal is a good time for all, not the spiritual

enlightenment of your relatives!

Tap the Power of Humor

Wherever you see an opening, use humor, play, laughter and fun

to keep the festivities light and flowing. The holidays are,

after all, holy days-time to be spent celebrating the joy of

togetherness and the love that connects you with your family and

friends.

GOOD LUCK!

About the Author

Drawing from the wisdom of native and ancient spiritual traditions, Keith Varnum shares his 30 years of practical success as an author, personal coach, acupuncturist, filmmaker, radio host, restaurateur, vision quest guide and international seminar leader with “The Dream Workshops”. Keith helps people get the love, money, and health they want with his F-r-e-e Prosperity Ezine, F-r-e-e Abundance Tape and F-r-e-e Coaching at www.TheDream.com